Sure, it’s the start of the year, and all the tech blogs are making their own predictions (that usually end up untrue) about what is going to happen this year. I decided that I ought to make my own predictions about what is going to happen in the future. I’m not going to predict what is going to happen in 2009, but instead 2099.

But instead of coming up with a flowchart or five-paragraph essay about my predictions, I present you with a fictional story.

“It’s worse than I feared. Get me the President.”

” Professor, the President?”

“Yes, get ME the PRESIDENT! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT IS AT STAKE HERE?”

“Sir, it seems a bit drastic to call the Pres–”

“WE NEED TO ACT NOW! YOU’VE BEEN IN THE BRIEFINGS! YOU KNOW THE DANGER WE ARE FACING!”

The student ran into a nearby tent and fetched a satellite phone. “Here you go, sir.”

The professor snatched the satellite phone from the student and stared at the phone’s touchscreen.

“P…R…E…Q–no-S!” muttered the professor while pecking at the keyboard on the touchscreen. “These iAwesomePhones touchscreen keyboards are so inaccurate! I wish they ran Linux!”

“Don’t they run Linux already?”

“No, but they will soon,” answered the professor as he continued pecking at the keyboard.

“Really? Why?” inquired the curious student.

“Oh, GooHat is forcing the world to use Ubuntu Paragon Penguin.”

“GooHat?”

“Didn’t you hear? Google and Red Hat had a merger. You kids should read the news more.”

“Right, but doesn’t Ubuntu belong to Novell after they bought out Canonical?”

“But then Red Hat bought out Novell.”

The satellite phone’s screen flickered, flashed the words “Incoming Call,” and a woman’s face appeared. “Ender, is it you?”

“No, Jane,” sighed the professor. “Wrong plot universe.” The woman disappeared off the screen, and the professor continued muttering and clacking away at the touchscreen. “E…N..T–enter.” The phone’s screen flickered again, and a man’s face appeared.

“It better be important!” barked the President.

“Oh, it is,” the professor spoke as he nodded gravely. “I have a student that has found a glyph of a cheeserburger.”

The President buried his face in his hands for a few seconds, then he dropped his hands to his sides and sighed. “Lolcats, right?”

The professor nodded gravely again and said, “Yes, the amazing quantity of these lolcats are likely to make exterminating them much more difficult.”

“But you know what will happen if we don’t get rid of these lolcats.”

“Yes, I know.” The professor sighed and nodded gravely for a third time. The student that had found the cheeseburger glyph looked dumbstruck.

TO BE CONTINUED